


Shinji and Eren Get Stranded

by shinjitherapper



Series: Shinji and Eren Save The Wedding [1]
Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, welcome to hell - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2014-08-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:58:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinjitherapper/pseuds/shinjitherapper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaworu's father is getting married, so the gang decides to head down to Australia. However, when their plane crashes on a deserted island, it's either eat or be eaten...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shinji and Eren Get Stranded

Shinji trudged into the airplane, dragging along Eren with him. His summer was completely shit over and glossed with extra piss sauce. Kaworu was having the gang go to his father's wedding. In Australia. He sighed, thinking about all the coupon savings he was going to miss out on, and sulked into his seat.

"Hey Kaworu!" Stuart called.

"Yeah mate?" the white haired boy yelled back.

"I fucking hate you!" the mouse screamed.

No one wanted to go to his dad's shitty wedding. Shinji pulled out a pair of handcuffs, and locked Eren's arm to the elbow rest.

A puzzled look spread across Kaworu’s face. He figured that they really just love to complain, because he wasn't making anyone  come to Australia with him. In fact, he was pretty sure Stuart begged him to sneak him in with his carry-on when he first informed the gang he'd be leaving.

Then again, Stuart probably sold some bad drugs or killed someone and was just trying to flee the country again. The usual.  Kaworu shrugged and tapped the flight attendant as she walked by.

"Yes! How can I help you sir?" she said, white teeth shining.

Oi, pretty lady, I was wondering wot you have in the beer department? I'm slogging off here and could really use a drink."

The attendant furrowed her brow, then smiled again. "I'm sorry, I don't speak Italian."

"Wot in the bloody hell was shoved up your bum? This is shit service!" Kaworu scorned, angered.

Distressed, the woman left hastily. Meanwhile, Eren was crying.

"Brother, I really need to go to the loo."

Shinji rubbed his temples. "I will fucking kill Kaworu after I make out with him. His bloody accent is rubbing off onto everyone. Shit! Even me. Also no."

An old woman in front of them turned around, and frowned at Shinji. "How rude, young man. Take your brother to the bathroom!"

Shinji remained unfazed. "This man is like Charlie Kelly, but in a salmon suit filled with cocaine and anger. I think I know what the hell I'm doing here lady." Eren nodded, glaring.

While Shinji argued with the aging female, Eren managed to slip his small delicate hand from its captor. What could he say? He knew his way around a handcuff even better than Stuart. He thought maybe he was a magician in a past life. Eren slipped away to the back of the plane, which was actually the front. He was directionally challenged. He saw two men facing a giant window, and he hid behind one of their seats. One of them took out a radio.

"Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking. Please buckle, we are now lifting off." He set the radio down and turned to his partner.

"You know I just barely passed flight school? I barely know how to fly this thing."

His partner laughed. "I didn't even pass! I shouldn't even be up here!"

"Nice!"

And then they high fived.

Eren gasped at what he just witnessed. Was that a grilled cheese sandwich in the pilot's lunchbox? The heathen wasn't even eating it. Eren could have slipped the delectable out of the bag easily, but opted for a more creative approach. He socked the pilot from behind, hitting his spinal cord. Like a ragdoll, he collapsed.

"Jesus fuck! What the hell-Who the fuck are you!" the co-pilot sputtered, fearing for his own life.

Eren lifted his arms, pretending to be a plane, while running around the cockpit. "BABABABATATATAAT." Eren spoke his mantra into the radio, hypnotizing the co-pilot.

Shinji widened his eyes, then turned to the empty seat next to him. "No.." he whispered, an eye twitching.

The co-pilot shook his head and snapped out of his trance. "Kid! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!"

Eren stopped speaking and turned his head to the man. "I had to use the bathroom."

And with that, Eren pissed on the unconscious pilots body. Noticing the plane was about to go nose down into the ocean, the co-pilot took action. He took off his pilot hat and placed it on Eren's head.

"Fuck this," he said and strapped on his parachute. He opened the cockpit door and saluted Eren. "Good luck kid." And he jumped.

Eren assumed control, throwing the unconscious pilot out as well. "Be free," he whispered as the pilot fell. Eren sat in the pilot’s seat as Kaworu, Stuart and Shinji made their way to the front.

"What the FUCK did you do you soggy fuck loaf?" Stuart said, noticing the chaos.

Eren giggled. "I'm a pilot now!"

Shinji was ready to scream. "Literally eat my shit Eren! If anyone's a pilot here, it's me!"

Stuart looked to be in shock, silently moving his mouth, repeating something to himself.

"Wot's that mate? Speak up!" Kaworu leaned closer to the mouse, and put a hand around his ear.

"The drugs!" Stuart screamed, clutching his head. "Fucking hell, I have 98 pounds of my shit in this piece of shit!"

Kaworu gasped, and clutched his chest. "You came just to smuggle drugs into another country? Wot a BLOODY SURPRISE." he screamed.

Eren was using his feet to maneuver the plane, and suddenly they were flying straight upward. Everyone fell back against the wall.

Eren sped the plane at a faster and faster rate. Everyone was pinned flat against the wall, except Shinji, who was standing in the doorway and ended up flying backwards down the aisle way at 500 mph.

Stuart found it difficult, but slowly he turned his head to face Kaworu, who was pinned to the other side of the door frame. They were going so fast their lips were flapping in the wind and tears were pouring from their eyes.

"Help me save the drugs!" Stuart forced out. Kaworu rolled his eyes.

"Fine mate, but I get half of the goods!"

Suddenly the plane stopped, and began falling backwards at the same rate. Kaworu and Stuart fell forward, and Shinji came flying up the aisle again at 500 mph, slamming into the window.

"Ow," he whimpered out.

Eren was gone.

"Where's the little dingo?" Kaworu said, standing up.

"Who cares? My drugs!"

Shinji peeled his face off the window, and looked outside. His jaw dropped. "Holy shit!!"

Kaworu and Stuart turned towards the window, to see Eren. He was sitting on the nose of the plane, naked.

"Jesus christ.." Stuart muttered, turning back to go get his drugs. Kaworu shook his head sympathetically at Shinji, and followed the mouse.

"Fuck you guys!" Shinji screamed, kicking the window open. Glass shattered, and flew back against him. "Shit!" he yelled, covering his eyes.

Shinji climbed across the top of the plane to Eren.

"Eren! What do you think you're doing?!"

Eren slowly turned his head back and smiled. "It's our time, brother."

Shinji rolled his eyes and grabbed the feral boys wrist and pulled him back on board.

"Where the hell are your clothes?" Shinji screamed.

Before Eren could get a reply out the plane crashed onto a small deserted island. Shinji crashed into the walls, breaking his nose repeatedly as the plane flipped and tumbled on the island. Somehow Eren managed to stay in the same place.

"Are we in Australia already?"

Kaworu busted the door of the cockpit, face covered in ash. He coughed, shaking the dust off of him. "Shinji, mate, it's awful!" he cried, falling to the ground.

Stuart walked in, now covered in gray ash. "The plane's on fire and everyone's dead. I think."

Eren clapped his hands in the air, and began dancing. Stuart knew this kind of behavior, and slowly zipped his bag open. With a tiny finger, he took a dab of his cocaine, and tasted it. Sugar and flour.

"Eren you bastard! You took all my cocaine!" Stuart screamed, throwing his fist in the air. Eren only laughed.

Kaworu started the cry even harder, violently sobbing and shaking realizing all the drugs were gone. Stuart felt uncomfortable, and began to awkwardly pat Kaworu on the shoulder. This whole 'comforting' thing was not Stuarts cup of tea. So he grabbed Kaworu's Hawaiian shirt collar and slapped him instead.

"Kaworu!" He slapped him again. "Get," slap "it," slap "together!" slap. Kaworu whimpered.

"You got it, you australian fuck?" Kaworu nodded.

Shinji's eye twitched. "Forget about the cocaine and instead worry about the flaming pile of twisted metal we're standing in!! Let's get out of here!"

Stuart glared at Shinji, still holding onto Kaworu's collar. Kaworu glared as well.

"Way to ruin the moment, mate."

The gang crawled out of the burning plane, and watched it burst in flames behind them. Eren smiled, the red fire shining in his eyes. Shinji, Kaworu, and Stuart stared at Eren, afraid but also in awe. With a sigh, Shinji turned to face the island.

"Well, we either live here and end up like 'Lord of the Flies', or we build a raft."

Stuart raised his hand. "What is it? And why did you raise your hand anyway, smart one?"

Ignoring him, Stuart spoke. "I want to be Jack,"

Kaworu rubbed his chin. "If you're Jack, I want to be SamnEric. Can Eren be Piggy so we can kill him first mate?"

Stuart nodded. "I agree, Shinji's a good Ralph. Change the story up, and he dies too. Boom." Eren licked his hand.

He rubbed his saliva filled hand through his hair and cleared his throat. "You guys are idiots. What we need is a raft, brother is right. Obviously first, we need to search the island to decide if it's even deserted. If we find no one, then we need to build a shelter to protect ourselves from the elements. We should also find food and a sustainable source of water. This way we will remain alive until we can get ourselves off the island or until we are rescued. Are we clear?"

The gang looked up at Eren, bewildered.

"Can you repeat that, Eren?" Shinji asked the tall boy, amazed.

Eren cleared his throat again as the group looked at him expectantly. "I have sand in funny places."

Shinji facepalmed. "Of course," he muttered. "Somebody please find something for Eren to wear."

Kaworu ripped off his Velcro pants and Hawaiian shirt and threw them to Eren, leaving him only wearing his tropical swim trunks.

"I am surprised you lasted this long before ripping your clothes off, Kaworu," Shinji said, admiring the view. Stuart rolled his eyes.

"I get you feel right at home now don't you, you fuckloaf. Let's just search the island for people. Maybe I can tell some sucker this flour is coke and make a pretty penny."

The gang made their way into the jungle, and the faint echoes of monkeys filled their ears.

"Do monkeys do drugs?" Stuart asked.

"Yeah, and so do elephants and zebras. No shithead!" Shinji yelled. "Anyways, can we rest? We've walked for awhile already."

Everyone stared. "Shinji..we've only been walking for 4 minutes mate. The beach is roight there." Kaworu pointed at the white sand a couple feet away.

Stuart dropped a coconut on Shinji's head. "Eat my ass!"

So they trekked further along, deeper and deeper into the woods, Eren carrying a knocked out Shinji over his shoulder. Stuart was sitting on Kaworu's shoulder, keeping an eye out for wild kush. Kaworu let out an ear piercing scream.

"What the fuck?" Stuart said, covering his mouse ears.

"OI MATE.. DID YOU NOT SEE THAT SPIDER?!" Kaworu said, blubbering. Stuart went rigid.

"You're from Australia... If you're afraid then the spider must be fucking terrifying.. Where did it go?"

"Go??" Kaworu replied. "Mate it's RIGHT THERE," he pointed a shaking finger to the spot in front of them.

"Oh for FUCK’S SAKE Kaworu! That thing is fucking smaller than my converse! Please relax!"

Suddenly a rustling came from the woods. Eren tensed as the sounds got closer, eventually shitting himself. A group of teenage girls appeared in front of them. They were wearing pink bows, pink wigs, and an assortment of cutsey dresses. The girl in front, the leader, was wearing human skulls on her necklace. She placed a white glove to her mouth and giggled.

"We heard a scream!" She said. "We are the weeaboo tribe. We are so fortunate to have found you! And just in time for dinner..." a twisted smile formed on her face. "Care to join us?"

Kaworu and Stuart exchanged glances. Eren was too busy picking his nose, and Shinji was still passed out. Stuart shrugged, and returned his eyes the girls. "How nice!! I'm starving!"

The gang followed the girls back to their camp. Mountains of manga were at every front door, and a giant TV was playing Sword Art Online.

Stuart shuddered. "This is fucking weird."

The girls gestured them to come inside a tarp tent. Or was it tarp..it looked strangely like human skin.

"Okay shitmelons, where's the fucking food?" Stuart yelled, pissed off.

The one with a purple wig giggled. "Silly! You are the food!"

This earned a chuckle from Kaworu. "Oi, this is a bunch of joey baloney!"

Shinji cracked an eye open, noticing the number of knives and clubs hanging on the walls. "What the fuck did you idiots do now.." was all he managed to say. Eren was silent.

The girl in the purple wig took out a large mallet with nails on the end and giggled. A girl in a blue wig tapped her on the shoulder.

"What the fuck do you want?" Purple Wig muttered over her shoulder.

"Marcy my Ma said I gotta be home in like 10 minutes can we wrap this up quick? I'm starvin.'" Blue Wig whispered.

"Fuck! Jeanie! I told ya'll not to break character! Especially not in front of no outsiders! Just go start the damn fire will ya?"

Jeanie nodded and ran outside the human skin tarp.

"What in the fuck.." Stuart said. Marcy rolled her eyes.

"I can't wait to bash some rats," she said with a giggle, putting her weeaboo voice back on. Stuart pissed himself.

"No, you cannot hurt my friends," Eren said. And with that, he was in the air, twirling and changing, rose petals flying all over the place. With a burst of white light, Eren floated to earth in his pink and blue magical girl outfit.

Marcy's mouth hung open. "Oh god!" She said, and then she was on her hand and knees, bowing before Eren. The rest of the weeaboo tribe walked in and immediately dropped as well. The leader, the one with the skulls on her necklace, walked in.

She gasped. "The prophecy spoke of this."

Eren nodded. "I am your master. Fear me." he said, in a deep voice.

Shinji noticed the car keys hanging from the chief's pocket. "Hey Eren tell these assholes-"

The girl raised her head angrily. "Silence! One does not talk so casually towards kami-sama!"

Stuart cringed. "Sit the fuck back down! We're friends so therefore I'm also a God."

Kaworu got excited. "Does this mean I'm a god too?"

Stuart shook his head. "No. Just me."

Eren smiled at his friends. "No. All of you are," he looked at the awaiting tribe, and back at his excited friends. "to be eaten alive."

Shinji's mouth dropped, and his eyes began to water. "Your own brother? Your friend? Your confidant? Your silly rabbit? You'd do this to me?"

Eren nodded solemnly, and Shinji burst into tears, mumbling something about how everyone abandons him. Kaworu glared at Eren as the group was escorted out the tent and to the giant fire made in the center of the village.

"You shithead!!" Stuart yelled, trying to resist being ushered out, and failing. Eren exhaled.

"Kami-Sama! Oh wise one," the leader and chief, the girl in the pink wig, said. "What is next on the agenda?"

Eren quickly roundhouse kicked her in the face, stole her keys, and ran to find the vehicle.

"You sneaky sonofabitch!" She said. "That's my ma's Mercedes Benz! You best get back here!"

But Eren was gone. He smiled to himself as he ran through the jungle to find the car. He thought that telling the weeaboos to eat his friends was the perfect distraction while he stole the chiefs keys. Eren stopped

running once he found the car.

Okay, maybe it wasn't such a great plan. His friends weren't really in on it, so they probably were going to get eaten, and he still didn't know how to drive. They could manage without a limb or two. He slammed on the pedal, and drove right into the group surrounding his friends. An explosion was heard, and the tribe was destroyed.

"Eren you do care!" Shinji cried. Kaworu and Stuart gave each other a knowing look, and hopped into the car. Shinji got shotgun, and they drove back into the jungle.

"Look mate! Bananas!" Kaworu pointed to the tree bearing the yellow fruit.

Eren shoved his foot down, and crashed the car into the tree. It set on fire. The monkeys came near. Once they stepped out the car, two monkeys approached Eren.

"A kitty!" he gasped, bending down to pet it. Then, they grabbed him and began to swing back to their home.

Shinji facepalmed so hard he un-broke his nose.

"Oi... wot now?" Kaworu said, watching the car as it was engulfed in flames.

"We have to save Eren, I guess!" Shinji said, flailing his arms. "I mean he did save us back there!"

Stuart unwrapped his candy bar and took a bite. "Yeah, but not before serving us up to a bunch of fucking weeaboos, shit-for-brains!"

Shinji punted him. "It was a poorly planned distraction!" He pointed to the forest. "We need to save him from those monkeys."

"I dunno mate... Eren seems like he would be an alright little Joey living with them apes. I think he would fit in just fine!" Kaworu took a bite of a banana that one of the monkeys left behind.

Shinji sighed, frustrated with the attractive boy and his slimy rodent friend. "No! Eren belongs with me.. er, us, in our group. I'm sorry you fucks don't understand what family is."

Stuart glared and took an aggressive bite of his chocolate bar. "Is that a sly jab at how I almost killed George while driving my RadioShack car under the influence? I'm only gonna say this once, fuck boy, I was only QUESTIONED. You can't prove shit!"

Shinji's eye twitched. "What the fuck? No fuckhead. I'm just saying we need to rescue Eren!"

Stuart swallowed his chocolate bar, tossing the wrapper in a bush. "And why the fuck should I help you, twat hat?"

Kaworu nodded, frowning. "The little dingo probably doesn't want to be saved! You're in-denial and gay!"

Shinji gasped, shocked. "At least my hair doesn't look like it was dipped in baby powder!"

It was now Kaworu's turn to gasp, putting a hand to his mouth. "You. Take. That. Back. It's a bloody fashion statement!"

Stuart was enraged, and kicked a coconut, only to jab his toe in the process. "Who the fuck stole my candy bar?!" he screamed, licking his chocolate covered lips.

"You ate it, fuckatron!" Shinji yelled, crossing his arms.

"Literally actually take this spoon and eat right outta my ass buddy! One of you fuckers did!" Kaworu touched his hair gently, mumbling something to himself.

Stuart put his tiny fists in the air. Shinji punted him across the forest. He turned his attention to Kaworu.

"Low blow mate.. Talking about my hair like that. I'll have you know Dwayne really liked my hair like this."

Rage filled Shinji. "Look! Kaworu! Dwayne does not love you! He loves Marina & the Diamonds, and I doubt he's even said 5 words to you since he trained our band! Dissolve this stupid ass fantasy of yours!"

Kaworu gripped his chest.

"Ay what the hell you short fuck?" Stuart said, forgetting about his chocolate bar perils and instead running over to comfort Kaworu.

"Shinji... that really hurt me.. down under. Down under in my heart." Kaworu said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Stuart glared at Shinji.

"Don't expect any help from us," he hissed, and Kaworu nodded. Shinji screamed in frustration.

"Fine! You guys just sit here and keep being gay little butt buddies together! I'm going to be the hero of this fucking story for once!" And with that, he was off. Off into the forest, and immediately over the edge of a cliff and down a waterfall.

Shinji spit out water, and pulled a fish out of his pants. "I hate everything!" he screamed, before collapsing.

Dragging himself to shore, he scanned the area. No Eren. Groaning, he trudged back into the jungle.

"Eren! Let's go, I have trail mix in my man purse!" Still no sound of screaming, or strange laughter. He did however, hear the faint hooting of monkeys.

"The bastards!" Shinji cursed, and began running to the source that was mocking him.

As Shinji yet again approached the jungle, he could faintly hear the sounds of not only the monkeys hooting, but also Limp Bizkit's "Rollin'" being played at full volume. When Shinji cleared the forest and found the source of the sound, what he saw shocked him. A giant monkey mosh pit, and Eren was right in the middle of it!

"Eren!" He shouted. "I'm going to save you!" And Shinji ran head first into the mosh pit.

Monkeys began falling into the pit from the tall branches. Sweaty fur scratched his skin as he shoved his way into the pit. The apes slammed into him, pushing him to the ground, and then stepped on.

"No..I'm not giving up! I'll prove those shitheads I can save Eren by myself!" Wheezing angrily, he managed to gradually make it towards his brother.

"Eren! Grab my hand!" However, the boy was lost in the music, and was in a trance of some sort.

Fuck! Shinji thought. God dammit Eren, why'd you have to do all that cocaine??

Suddenly, Eren began to mosh. He noshed with such beautiful intensity that white beams shot out of him, knocking down the apes that were currently stomping on Shinji. Shinji smiled.

"Keep dancing Eren! Don't stop!"

And so Eren kept dancing, his funky out of tune rhythm knocking down all the monkeys. Shinji slowly made his way closer to Eren, and then grabbed him held him close.

"Eren! I knew I could save you!" Shinji cried, ignoring the fact that Eren had actually saved him. Eren snapped out of his trance.

"Where is everyone?" He asked.

"Right here, fuck boy!" A tiny voice yelled. Stuart and Kaworu were standing by a cluster of trees, arms crossed.

"How did you guys get down here?" Shinji asked, perplexed. "Did you fall down the waterfall? You don't look wet."

"No mate, we took the stairs," Kaworu said, gesturing to a set of wooden stairs to his left.

"Oh." Eren jumped on one of the stairs, smiling. The stairs began wobbling, and fell apart instantly.

"Well, there goes our exit. Way to go, assclown." Stuart grumbled. Kaworu kicked Eren in the shin, who remained unfazed.

Shinji put his hands on his hips, pissed off. "What the fuck are you worms doing here anyway? I thought you didn't want to save Eren."

Stuart smiled. "No pisshead, we just didn't want to help you. We were gonna throw this gas bomb at the monkeys and take Eren with us. Away. From you."

Kaworu nodded, nonchalantly tossing the bomb on the ground. "Guess we don't need this anymore, roight?"

"Kaworu no!" Stuart yelled, and that was all he had time to get out before smoke filled the air. Their eyes began to water as smoke and dust filled them.

"God dammit!" Shinji yelled into the smoky abyss. "This is all your guys' fault!" He spoke between gasps and coughs.

"Our," cough "fault?" Stuart said, trying to sound angry and insulted, but failing seeing as he sounded more like a wheezing rat being squashed with a rolling pin.

"Let us not fight," Eren said with perfect clarity, as though the smoke didn't effect him at all.

"Don't preach to me, shit loaf!" Stuart said, hacking. Kaworu hadn't said anything yet. He might be dead.

But soon the smoke cleared, and the group stood standing in a circle, eyes red and tears pooling out. They looked pretty fucked up.

"Good job, Kaworu," Stuart said.

Shinji got up first, hoisting Eren on his back. "I'll see you fuckers on the flip side! I'm building a raft!"

And with that, he scampered off, teetering to the side due to the weight of carrying someone a foot taller. Eren gave them the middle finger, and giggled into the jungle.

Stuart looked at Kaworu. "Are you still thinking what I'm thinking?"

Kaworu grinned.  "Lord of the Flies reenactment?" Stuart nodded.

"Exactly, that's my buddy." They fist bumped, and went to go get sticks.

So Shinji and Eren made their way to the shore on the opposite side of where they crashed. Shinji sat on the beach, placed his head in his hands and let out a giant sigh.

"What's wrong, brother?" Eren said, still holding onto Shinji's back.

Shinji sighed again, then smiled wistfully and looked back at Eren. "You know, me and Kaworu met on a beach kind of like this," he gestured to the sparkling blue water, as the sun set in the distance.

"I was walking along, looking for metal with my metal detector. And there he was. He was flopping around on the beach, gurgling, foam pouring from his mouth and nose, a crazy look in his eye. I thought he was having a seizure. Turns out that's just how Australians say hello,"

He closed his eyes and smiled, savoring the memory. "But now he hates me."

Eren ate some sand and nodded thoughtfully. "Go to him."

"What?"

"Go to him, Shannon."

Shinji stood up, fists clenched. "You know what Eren, I will! And we can all build this raft,together!" With that, the small boy ran back into the jungle.

Eren smiled, and leaned back into the soft sand. Surely, Kaworu and Stuart would easily come back. No problem at all.

\-------------

"Kaworu! Stuart! Come on guys, I already said 10 times I'm sorry." Shinji shouted, noticing it was getting darker. He shivered, hearing the howls of wolves.

"Fucking hell, where are they?" he muttered. Shinji then noticed a mango set on top of a pile of leaves.

"Sweet! A mango!" He reached down to grab it, licking his lips. Suddenly, Kaworu and Stuart jumped from the tree branch, covered in paint designs and wearing leaf skirts.

Startled, Shinji fell over, and instinctively raised his hands and shouted "I'm innocent!!"

Before noticing who had jumped out at him. Then his expression changed to annoyance. "Oh, it's just you guys," he stood and dusted off his trousers. "Look, guys, I just wanted to say that I'm so-"

"HEY, PISS-FOR-BRAINS, I’M NOT LOOKING FOR EXCUSES!" Stuart interrupted, shouting from below. He had a tiny spear pointed at Shinji's foot. Shinji glanced down at the rodent.

"Stuart, I honestly couldn't give less of a fuck about you. I literally would not even piss on you if you were on fire, which, trust me, is something I've done before. Okay? I wouldn't even fart in your general direction, that is how beneath me you are. My apology is not for you, pissfart. Step off."

Stuart dropped his spear. "Wow dude.. That was really... geez. That was really harsh and unnecessary..."

Kaworu furrowed his brow, and pursed his lips. "My god, that was worse than watching a dingo pup's mum leave the nest. Wot in the bloody hell is wrong with you, mate? A whaleshark splashed on your barbie?"

Kaworu shoved Shinji against a palm tree, disgusted. "We already built our fort. And we already got Eren tied over a fire. Go to Davy Jones's locker, scum!" Kaworu had Shinji pinned against the palm tree, his spear mere inches from his neck.

Shinji gulped and let out a nervous laugh. "I think I had a dream like this once."

Kaworu squinted and glared at Shinji. "You best leave now mate, Stuart’s planning to gut you like a rattlesnake at an Australian barbie."

"Stuarts always planning to gut me, Kaworu. He's a fucking psycho."

Kaworu dropped the short boy onto the ground and kicked him, then turned on his heel and walked away. Shinji watched him go, sadness in his eyes.

"It doesn't have to be like this Kaworu. We can leave with Eren.. we can still make it to your dad's wedding. We can... we can be a family again."

Kaworu stopped, and looked at Shinji from over his shoulder.

"I have no family."

Shinji whimpered, pulling his knees closer to his chest. And with that, Kaworu sprinted off. He grabbed a fistful of sand, and stopped his sobs. No way was Ikari going down like this. Grunting, he picked himself up, climbed the tree, and grabbed onto a vine.

"Eren, I'm coming!" Shinji yelled, swinging off the branch. Only, the vine broke in half and he rolled backwards. down a trench. "Fucking capitalists!"

\-------

"Hey, hey Eren." Stuart snickered, elbowing Kaworu.

"Yes?" Eren answered, smiling over the fire.

"The punchline was orange! Because, because it sounds like aren't you!" Stuart burst out laughing, until he started choking.

Snorting another line of cocaine, he scanned the area. Still no Ralph. "Sam, fetch me the conch. I'm gonna smash that shit on Ralph's head when he gets here. A symbol of crushed democracy and order, neat huh?"

Kaworu sighed, already bored of this strange role-play thing. "Stuart, mate. This is getting a might weird."

\-------

Shinji was pretty sure he broke his nose again. But he was not finished, in fact now he was fucking pissed.

"You goddamn commies!!" He yelled into the night, and began rolling around in the sand, having himself a bit of a tantrum.

Suddenly, he heard some rustling in the bushes. He stopped throwing a fit and listened. The rusting stopped, and was replaced by a low gurgling noise.  Shinji broke into a cold sweat, his heart pounding.

"Please don't kill me," he whispered. The gurgling stopped.

"I'm not going to kill you," a mans voice said. "I'm going to help you. I've been watching you, Shinji Ikari. And I am sympathetic to your aim."

"Who... Who are you? Show me your face."

"Very well," the man said. The man stepped out of the bushes and into the pale moonlight. Shinji gasped.

"You're... You're..."

"Yeah, kid, I know who I am."

"Why... What... Everyone thinks you're dead! And here you are, on a deserted island! What the hell?" Shinji asked, perplexed.

"Look, kid, it's a long story. But we ain't here to talk about me. I'm here to help you. Remember? Look, in my time here since I faked my death, I've been very good at mixing potions. I think you'll find this will be very helpful," the man handed Shinji a bottle of pink liquid.

"Whoever drinks it will forget anything that happened after your plane crashed. My gift to you, Shinji. I wish you great luck in your journeys."

Shinji took the bottle and examined it, a wide smile spreading across his face. "Thank you... Thank you Danny Devito!!" He cried. But Danny had vanished into the night.

Shinji grinned. "The best person to give this liquid to is obviously, myself."

Yes, he thought to himself. It's the perfect plan. Put myself in an amnesiac state, and have Stuart think of me as a new man. With that, Shinji sprinted into the jungle, where he saw smoke rings forming in the sky.

Before springing into the campsite, he attempted to do a kickflip and karate pose. Alas, he fell onto the ground and sprained his wrist.

"To hell with communists!" Shinji screamed, still holding the bottle.

Suddenly, Stuart jumped down. "Ralph, my old chum. Prepare to die!"

With the small snap of his fingers, Kaworu stood above Shinji, and slammed the conch onto his head.

"The magic conch had said that was a bad idea!" Eren called from the fire.

"Shut the fuck up Piggy!" Stuart sneered.

Shinji was on the brink of unconsciousness. He reached for the potion.

"I need... to drink..." and then he passed out.

Kaworu glared. "Yeah mate I could use a drink too," He stared into the distance. "I could always use a drink."

Stuart examined the bottle. "Shit, fuckboy, I think he was talking about this. Kaworu lifted the bottle.

"Wot the fuck is this?"

"I dunno, short gay seemed to want it pretty bad though."

Kaworu snickered. "Well he can't have it! Because I'M going to drink it instead!!" And with that, Kaworu began to chug the potion.

"Hey fucker! Maybe I want some too!" Stuart yelled. Kaworu glared at him.

"Fine mate, have some." He said, and then dumped the rest of the concoction onto Stuart's head.

"Really classy!" Stuart yelled, licking it off his lips.

Kaworu began to stumble around. "Oi mate, I don't feel right," he manage to say before he came crashing to the ground, unconscious.

"Oh shit!" Stuart said, beginning to feel woozy. "What was in that drink? This is worse than when I mixed acid and cocaine in my vodka..." He threw up on himself. "Fuck," he slurred, and then passed out as well.

Shinji, Stuart, and Kaworu all lay on top of each other, unconscious in their own vomit.

"Uh... guys?" Eren called, still spinning rotisserie style over the fire.

Danny Devito jumped down from a tree, laughing. "I just gave these fuckers laxatives in root beer and tequila! Now they're gonna shit on each other!"

Smiling, he turned to Eren. "Come on kid, unless you want to join their shit parade!"

Giggling, Eren easily undid the ropes, and followed Danny hand in hand, to the beach.

"Dad?"

"Hell no, I just need free labor." Devito grimaced, collecting sticks and vines. Eren munched on what seemed to be a coconut, but was most likely a rock.

Suddenly, Eren watched in horror as Danny's face morphed into Steve Buscemi's. Then to Danny Tanner's, before finally stopping at the face of Chuck E Cheese.

"What's the matter?" Chuck E. Said, a demented smile forming on his face. Then his head burst into flames and he let out an evil laugh.

Eren screamed as all the colors around him began to melt into one another. Then everything went black, and he was alone.

"Eren!" Shinji's distorted voice called out from the distance, echoing across the dark void Eren was trapped in.

"Brother?" Eren cried.

"Eren!" Shinji called again, but was no where to be found.

"Shinji where are you? I can't see anything!"

"Eren! Wake the fuck up already!"

And suddenly Eren jolted awake, back on the plane and still handcuffed to his seat. He was sweating so bad his clothes were drenched and a small pool had accumulated by his feet.

"Eren, mate.. mate.. what the fuck. Chill out.. and stop screaming, it's hurting me head," Kaworu slurred, drunk off his 11th bottle of wine, he stood up and immediately fell over. "I'm home!" he sang, and began to weep into the carpet of the airplane.

"Home?" Eren said.

"Oh yeah, we landed in Australia about 10 minutes ago. You slept the whole time, I think I might've given you a bit too much of Stuart's cocaine." Shinji said.

"But we need to get off this plane now because if we don't get to that fucking hotel in the next 30 minutes they're gonna give up our room. Also, the pilot keeps saying some shit about 'needing to board the plane again' and 'you fuckers need to get off the plane NOW' so like, I guess we should go." He unlocked Eren's handcuffs and threw a drunk and emotional Kaworu over his shoulder.

"I hope Australia is ready for us."

**Author's Note:**

> nvwein acsiowvgqpow;clTHE CODE IS 3198OREI89248UR89R83UR2QU9E219E3HD31UO1DX2HH983HDUXN12H9D37GFUCBIXNED748293102W8937E24GOD IS HERE 24489EQIOKDALXMCZ XNVJWAKLM


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